We’ve experienced a lot of changes to the modern dating world. We now have online dating through various websites and apps, attitudes and customs have shifted and grown, and thanks to social media, our lives are much more visible than we ever were before. And with all of these changes, many singles are understandably feeling an increased level of dating anxiety.
However, there are a few things that remain the same – like, who makes the first move? Who is first to ask the other person out?
I was visiting with a female friend of mine the other day and she shared a challenge I’ve heard dozens of times before in and out of my office. She is increasingly frustrated with the whole dating thing. Why? Guys don’t seem to be asking her out.
A woman could look at this in a couple of ways.
Scenario 1: She could think, “It must be because I’m not attractive, or appealing, or interesting.” This is one option, and one I think many default to. I mean, our conventional wisdom (or old-fashioned thinking) tells us men are supposed to be the ones to ask women out first. If they don’t, then they simply must not be interested. If this happens more than once or twice, I can see how someone may perceive this “non-ask” has to do with some flaw they may (or may not) have.
Scenario 2: It has nothing to do with her and her being, but rather he is shy, or not sure about her interest in him and therefore nervous about talking to her or asking her out.
One of these definitely is less stressful than the other, right?
Realizing that his lack of movement isn’t a product of his evaluation of you is extremely freeing and empowering.
There are many reasons why I would encourage women to make the first move.
Here’s a few…
1. Many guys are quite shy. Women don’t run the market on shyness and being introverted. There are many men who share these same characteristics. You might be passing up on “the one” if you are waiting for him to make the first move.
2. What’s the worst that can happen? The worst that can happen is that he says, “no.” Despite what our overactive imaginations may tell us or what notion we are projecting will be his reaction, the reality is that his response (if negative) isn’t personal. Simply, you know that he’s either not the right guy, or it’s possible that it’s not the right time. You’ve saved yourself a heap of time!
3. Asking first is empowering. When you ask him out first, this is a sign of courage on your part. Being courageous is one of the key factors in successful relationships, so why not set the scene for this from the onset by being courageous.
4. You’re already feeling close to him. If this is someone you already know and are attracted to, and you sense it may be mutual, make the move! The risk is pretty small and you potentially gain a lifetime together. The math makes sense, right?
5. He seems to be interested. If you sense that he is interested by the way he acts or the things he says and you feel the same, then go for it! Perhaps he’s trying to work up his courage or trying to figure out if you’re interested in him. Taking the opportunity to let him know you’re interested could be the start of something wonderful! If you let it pass, the only reward is the potential of a lifetime of looking back over your shoulder and wondering if you lost a chance at a great relationship.
6. You’ve spent time together in group settings, and it’s been great. Perhaps you’ve run into each other at mutual group gatherings – maybe after work, or at a friend’s house. You’ve both been friendly and enjoyed the conversation. These are great signs that the relationship may continue further. This is a great sign you should request some one-on-one time over coffee or a drink!
7. He’ll appreciate you letting him know you’re interested. Think about that for a moment. Typically, even in this modern day and age, it’s still pretty much left up to the guy to make the first move. Can you imagine how much courage it takes to do that?! And particularly if he’s not sure if you are interested? If you want to make an impression and give him a nice surprise at the same time, take the lead.
Here’s another thing to consider: You know how much you like the feeling when you are being pursued by someone you’re interested in? Yes. Right. Well, guys enjoy that feeling too!
Dating, and especially dating in a big city like Los Angeles, can seem intimidating and scary. But it doesn’t have to be. If I can help bolster your confidence and navigate the dating seas, please reach out and email or call me. Helping people be brave and flourish is one of the best things about my practice!