logo

(310) 208-3105
DrGaryBrown@gmail.com

Gary Brown

  • Home
  • About
  • Services
    • Individuals
    • Couples
    • Adolescents
    • Parenting Coaching
  • Appointment Request
  • Articles
    • Couples
    • Dating
    • Family
    • Foundations of Love
    • General counseling
    • Individuals
    • Parenting
    • Relationships
    • Teens
  • Media
  • Contact

The More Important A-List That We All Need To Be Talking About

March 6, 2018 by Dr. Gary Brown

 

Now that Variety has reported on all the Oscar winners, and the after parties have ended, the rest of us need to get back to our regular lives.

However, even though the Oscars are over, maybe there is something for us to learn from the idea of A-listers. I’m not talking about the Hollywood celebrities, but your own personal A-list… and why that matters.

As a therapist in L.A. for more than 25-years, I’ve had the opportunity to work with some of the most incredibly talented people who appear in front of and behind the camera. Some perform on the stage. Several are famous. Most are not.

And while all our attention and adoration can be very exciting, there can be a dark underbelly to this business. For some, their self-esteem is actually based upon whether or not they are currently on the traditional Hollywood A-list and where they perceive they are ranked on that list. In psychology, we use the term “self-esteem by proxy” to describe a situation where our ability to feel good about ourselves is dependent on how others see us. This is not the key to happiness.

In short, it seems to me that too many live and die emotionally by where they see themselves on the Hollywood social ladder.

What We Can Learn From Hollywood

So let’s borrow from the idea of the Hollywood list, and create our own Personal A-list to enhance the quality of our own lives.

We’re not going to place people on our list based on their popularity in terms of social status. Instead, we’re going to create our own personal Walk of Fame, but it’s not going to be based on popularity. We’ll ask ourselves some questions that are far more meaningful than celebrity or social status.

But first, let’s explore why this can be helpful in your life. Your life matters and so does your own list.

A-List

Why Your List Matters

One of the lessons I’ve learned in life, is that it’s important to count my blessings. Who am I grateful for? Do I express my gratitude? Because what really matters to me is the quality of the relationships I have with people and they have with me.

The Hollywood version of the A-list is based on social status. It got me thinking about my own colleagues, friends and family. Who in my life would I consider my own personal A-listers? Who are the ones I can trust? Who are the ones who that are there when I need them? Who are the people who really support me to be my best? Who are at the top of their game? Who are “bankable” or count-on-able?

And so, several years ago, I created my own list.  It started with some of the questions you see below and grew over time.

Because life brings changes and new circumstances, and people into and out of our lives, I find it helpful from time to time, to ask myself the following questions about who is currently in my life and what they mean to me:

  • Who is the first person I think of to share good news with?
  • Who has my implicit trust? Who do I trust with ANYTHING?
  • Who am I comfortable with?
  • Who feels safe?
  • Who would I like to be closer to?
  • Who do I feel I need to distance myself from?
  • Who do I need to call in a crisis, whether it’s a relationship issue or if the kitchen
    floods?
  • Who do I not feel safe to share with?
  • Who, if anyone is downright toxic for me?

Purposely thinking about this from time to time gives me fresh perspective and helps me get a better idea of what relationships may need more of my attention or less. It’s made a big difference in the quality of my life because there is only so much time in the day or a week.

I also do this exercise with many of my clients. When first doing this, they almost always tell me how much writing down their personal A-list helps them figure out who really matters in their lives. Not from a snooty perspective, but so much more importantly, from the viewpoint of who and why certain people matter to them.

If you’re interested, try this simple two-part exercise.

Your A-list

Step 1: Who Do You Trust?

Since a basic sense of trust is the cornerstone of the most fulfilling relationships, let’s start with your A-list of Trust.  If you think about it, recognizing who we trust in our lives is a great premise to start with.

Begin thinking about all the people in your life and the degree to which you trust them (or not). Place anybody on your list that you want: your partner, family, friends, colleagues, and acquaintances that may have some significance in your life. It can be people you like very much or maybe not at all.

Consider who do you trust?

Start by asking yourself some of the questions you just read above. Feel free to add any questions of your own!

One more thing to consider: Be honest with yourself. Are you putting people on your Personal A-list (that also includes your B – F list) because you really trust them the most? Or are you naming those you feel that you should trust? Maybe someone you feel should be an “A” is really only a “C” when you really think about it. The only right answer is what is really true for you.

Step 2: Start Your Personal A-List

On the worksheet provided here, you will see five columns labeled, A, B, C, D, and F. (You can download and print this PDF, and then fill it out.)

-Click Here To Download PDF-

Once you have downloaded it, go ahead and print out the PDF form.

Now begin to place the people in your life under each column where you think most accurately reflects where you see them in your life.

Categorize the people in your life in relation to the level of trust you have with them. The people in the A column would be those who you love and trust the most. Conversely, someone who is toxic and doesn’t belong in your life would be an F. Hopefully you don’t have any of those, but there may be one or two. Most everyone else will fall into the middle three lists: either B, C, or a few D’s.

Use the guidelines below to help you: A = I feel safe enough to share at least 90% or more of my most vulnerable thoughts and feelings with them.
B = I feel safe enough to share at least 70% of my inner world with them.
C = I feel safe enough to share about half of my inner world with them.
D = I don’t feel very safe around them and don’t want to share with them.
F = I don’t feel safe around them at all. In addition, they have proven to actually be toxic for me to be around. I want them out of my life.

This can be a very enlightening experience as you think through who you spend your time with. You may discover you don’t feel as strongly for some people as you thought you did, or that some relationships have a higher rank than you previously gave them credit for.

Your list is likely to change over time. Some people will remain as As. Some will move from B to A. Some will go from C to F. Over a lifetime, people may move up and down your list. But, for right now, we just want to take a “snapshot in time” of where you see these people are in your life right now.

Other Lists!

You can also use this exercise for different reasons. A friend of mine went on a string of rather lousy vacations. He was frustrated. He called me and we talked about it.

At first, we focused on where he went. That didn’t seem to matter.

Then I asked him who went on these vacations with him. That rung a bell for him! He thought about it and decided to develop his own Personal Vacation A-list! This helped him to figure pretty quickly who he really wanted to vacation with and who he didn’t.
Again, not from the perspective of being a snob, but emphasizing who he truly wanted to spend his precious vacation time with. Now, he looks forward to his vacations because he’s excluded the perpetually loud drunk and now includes people who are more fun to be with.

Something To Remember

The number of people on your Personal A-list is not so important. The quality of your relationships is what really matters.

Personal A-list

I hope that you found this exercise helpful in terms of providing some insight into your current relationships. Remember, this is your movie – your life. You get to decide who the actors are going to be. You decide who will be your co-lead, supporting actors and actresses, and most importantly remember that you are the screenwriter and director at all times!

If you are struggling in one or more relationships and not quite sure how to deal with certain people, or where they fit in your life, give me a call. I’d be more than happy to help you out with this. It’s likely that we can help you discover some new perspectives that may can improve the quality of your life!

Filed Under: General counseling Tagged With: feel safe, gratitude, Hollywood, meaningful, quality relationships, relationships, self-esteem, toxic relationship, trust

Search This Website

Guidance from Gary:

"People who learn to settle for more are truly grateful for what they already have...and expand from there."

- Gary

Counseling Services

  • Counseling for Individuals
  • Counseling for Couples
  • Counseling for Adolescents
  • Coaching for Parents

Hot Topics

  • New Year’s Resolutions and Goals: A Simple and Proven Three-Step Plan to Make Them Actually Work
  • Tips For Dealing With Covid During the Holidays
  • 7 Relationship Conversations for the Next COVID Challenges

As featured in:


Related Posts

Dr. Gary Brown, Therapy in LA, how to rebuild trust

Three Steps to Rebuilding Trust

What do problems with finances, parenting, and infidelity have in common? Two things. First, they can break a relationship, and second, they all have to do with trust.Each of these hot button areas for couples boils down to a sense of trust or lack thereof. Lack of trust, trust betrayed, and trust taken for granted can lead […]

build trust, trust, love, relationships, marriage

How to Build Trust and Loyalty in Relationships

  If you find yourself an untrusting soul in relationships because you have a trail of broken hearts (or maybe just a really good one that has left you scarred), you may be unsure about how to create a sense of safety and loyalty in your relationship. I was recently interviewed for an article on […]

Related Posts

Dr. Gary Brown, Therapy in LA, Dating help in LA

7 Reasons to Ask Him Out First

We’ve experienced a lot of changes to the modern dating world. We now have online dating through various websites and apps, attitudes and customs have shifted and grown, and thanks to social media, our lives are much more visible than we ever were before. And with all of these changes, many singles are understandably feeling […]

sexual harassment, sexual assault, bully, bullied, Dr. Gary Brown, Los Angeles therapist, relationship therapy, DrGaryLATherapist

Weinsteingate and Sexual Harassment: What Now?

It’s almost impossible to have missed the #MeToo conversations happening on social media last month. It came along with a myriad of allegations of sexual abuse from far too many women and the abuse of power of Harvey Weinstein, movie mogul. Now, this past week allegations have been made against Kevin Spacey, from an actor […]

Dr. Gary Brown

PhD, LMFT, FAPA
310-208-3105
drgarybrown@gmail.com

921 Westwood Blvd
Suite 226
Los Angeles, CA. 90024

Find My Office

If you have any questions or would like to schedule an appointment, please do not hesitate to contact me. I would love to work with you!

Contact Me »

Appointments »
Privacy Policy
Site Provided by Brighter Vision

Copyright © 2021 · Genesis Child on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in